Two Mondays ago we went in for the 20 week anatomy ultrasound. We learned this is the exam where they check on the development of the baby's heart, brain, vital organs and basic anatomy including sex. I was really anxious about this exam for a number of reasons.

The main reason was because our first ultrasound results (measure of the nuchal translucency) came out slightly on the abnormal side, meaning there is an elevated risk our baby could have a chromosomal defect. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about this.

After speaking with a genetic counselor, our doctor, my parents, some close friends (who have gone through the same situation) and a lot of praying we decided we wouldn't pursue any genetic testing. There were a lot of different factors that went into this decision, but the main one was that genetic testing doesn't correct or change any result of having a child with a chromosomal defect. Also for me the chance of miscarrying no matter how low really scared me, especially if we found out there was nothing wrong with our child. We decided that if our child is born with any defects we'd face these challenges as they came. 

Another reason why I was anxious and excited about the exam was because I really wanted to know if we were having a boy or girl. After the results of the first ultrasound my preference for either went out the door, and my main desire was to have a healthy child. I know that sounds cliche but the exam really put things in perspective for me. 

However, as the weeks went by and I found more peace with our decision, I started to realize that I really did have a preference and it sort of surprised me. I wanted a boy.  Continue reading →

Last Sunday night as I got situated in bed (s-shaped preggo pillow -check, euro square pillow -check, tempurpedic mushy pillow -check, no blankets on my side of the bed -check), I suddenly felt a strange feeling in my belly. I thought to myself 'did I just imagine that?!'

Ever since I read that at 16 weeks you can start to feel the baby (they say it feels like fluttering or gas bubbles ), I tried to pay more attention to my belly and see if I could distinguish anything going on in there. Several mom friends said they couldn't feel anything until week 20, so while I was disappointed I hadn't felt anything yet, I wasn't too worried.

Then last Sunday night I felt this little twinge in my belly. I immediately called out to oppa and told him I think I felt the baby. I was so excited and hoped the baby would kick again. Oppa ran over and put his hand on my stomach, and then it happened again! 

We both freaked out in excitement that we were able to feel the kick together! 

I told oppa to talk to the baby. With every affectionate phrase, our baby kicked back in response. We were elated!

So many folks ask me how I've been feeling and if anything seems really different now that I'm pregnant. To be honest, I didn't really feel pregnant until this week. I'm obviously showing now (the belly is definitely a more distinguishable round shape and not just a bulging ddongbae), and with the kicking this week I feel reassured that there is actually a baby in there.

Every time I feel a little kick I imagine our little one playing and squirming around in my stomach. It's so hard to describe how it makes me feel, but I get so happy feeling this tiny being in my stomach. This might sound awful, but I'm only now starting to fall in love with this baby.

Pregnancy and a baby had felt like a distant concept to me for so long that I held my affections and hopes for a baby at arm's length. Even until this past week, I wondered why I didn't feel this strong sense of love and excitement like so many of my pregnant friends did the moment they found out they were pregnant.

I had to admit to myself I was scared and trying to protect my heart from the chance of disappointment again. I know that there is always the chance that something could go wrong but now when I start to feel negativity or doubt I just pray and give thanks for this baby.

I'm now starting to feel more freedom to express love toward our baby, and I allow myself to dream and hope for this little one. My heart is full of gladness and thankfulness! We are greatly blessed to have gotten pregnant, and I never want to forget that! 

I'm so glad it wasn't my imagination! Baby -kick, kick, kick away!